[SATIRE] Announcing Google Zero

A Private Messenger Based on Signal

Google announced that, among the dozens (citation pending) of chat apps Google plans to unveil by Q4 2022, there will also be a privacy-friendly option named Google Zero, forked from the Signal source code.

“We understand that Signal has hurt many of its users with the underhandedness of implementing their own cryptocurrency and forcing it on users”, Google CEO Sundar Pichai told news outlets. “And Signal hurt us, too. We value everyone’s privacy, and so we are confident our new Google Zero platform will be a big hit among the cool cats out there.”

Pichai announced that Google Zero will collect “Zero logs, except for the ones it does,” and will have less ads with purchase of Google Zero Plus, an extension which only allows ads Google decides you need to see. Additionally, only “fellow privacy-respecting platforms like Facebook and Amazon” will beallowed to have ads.

Additionally, Google Zero will easily integrate into one-third of the other Google chat applications, not at all with another third, and on a rotating schedule with the remainder.

“Messages will be end-to-end encrypted, as long as the users agree to share their keys with Google. You know, for privacy reasons.”